The problem with Ghana

I am Ghanaian who doesn't want to live in Ghana, ever. It's not due to any deep trauma I experienced during my childhood living there, it's due to the culture itself. Don't get me wrong I greatly appreciate the fact that there are no civil wars like most other African countries, but there's this mentality of 'I'll get to it when I get to it'. People do things in their own time when they want and when it benefits them, there's no sense of urgency.

There has always been this myth perpetuated about 'coloured people time', which is supposedly the clock that black people run on; it's generally 2-3 hours behind normal time. I'm black and I run on normal time, it's not that hard and nothing irritates me more than arriving late using that as an excuse. I don't mind when you arrive as long as it's the time that you told me you would arrive. A general piece of advice I'd give to anyone dealing with a chronically late person is to tell them to arrive before the actual gathering begins, tell them the party starts at 1pm when it starts at 3pm. I remember attending the reception for one of my many cousins' wedding ceremony, it started officially at 5pm but people only arrived at 7pm apparently they got lost during their 10 minute journey from the church to the reception venue. It's as if they want to make an entrance by arriving late like supermodels and celebrities do, but after you've seen these people on a dance floor you realize that they are anything but models or celebrities.

The wedding ceremony itself is drawn out as long as possible, why???...I have no idea but it's a waste of time. Church in Ghana generally is long, laborious and many a time involves receiving the spirits/Holy Ghost. I haven't been to church in a long time so I'm not too clear on the mechanics of it but I do know that they often fall down and speak in tongues when they receive the spirit. It's quite a sight.

Heaven forbid you don't have enough food at the reception, Ghanaians riot over things like that. The most well-known tribe in Ghana is the Akan which has several subdivisions within it, the one thing that holds them together is meat. Yes, I said MEAT.....beef, goat, chicken you name it they eat it; I think they associate it with wealth and good health so they gorge themselves on food in general but especially MEAT. At big Ghanaian events not a spot of green can be seen at the buffet table, who needs vegetables when you have: chicken wings, KFC style chicken, chicken kebabs - do you see a trend? - , beef kebabs, goat kebabs, fried fish, Jollof (a traditional rice dish), Waatche (rice and beans) etc. I should give credit to the side dishes that very faintly resemble salads but have had all vestiges associated with the healthy benefits of vegetables removed. The Neo-Ghanaian salad includes potato salad and coleslaw; containing extravagant amounts of mayonnaise and salad cream and as little vegetable as possible. You end up with this heap of cream coloured food, and there isn't a speck of green in sight unless you count the green pepper which is one of three vegetables. Don't get me wrong it is tasty but needs to be eaten in moderation, a word that is not utilized in Ghana.

The other problem with Ghana is the constant pay-offs, haggling and double talk. I'm used to saying what I mean and meaning what I say, anything else is annoying and futile. You can't get through customs without having to pay a little more attention to the customs officer; that means switching on your charm gene, smiling and batting your eye lashes all the while thinking what a f**kin' idiot the customs officer is. This is all in aid of getting them to process you quickly and thoroughly like they should already be doing as part of their sad little job in sad little Kotoka airport. In some cases the customs officer may even take some of the food your carrying; I know what your thinking 'that's not unreasonable, countries need to protect their environment', but do they need to protect it from canned food. My cousin experienced the hunger of a customs officer (a stupid, power saturated customs officer at that) who confiscated some of his food. Well he didn't even give a legitimate excuse so it wasn't a confiscation, it just happened that a can of kidney beans took his fancy for no other reason than it being exotic and free. I remember a couple of years ago when we missed our flight back from Accra, in any normal situation we would have waited for the next flight with free seats. In Ghana however, we paid someone off (a hefty sum I might add) and that was it we were on the next flight home.

My sister recently revealed to me that in her old age she would like to retire to Ghana, I was shocked because she felt the same way as I did about Ghana and was very vocal about it. I don't know were I'm gonna live in the future but Ghana definitely is not an option.