Time Travelling vol1. chp 3 His Birthday

We went our for his birthday, he had a friend visiting from London so the three of us headed over to Roppongi. The thing I loved about Roppongi was that it was pure filth, the thing I hated about Roppongi was that it was pure filth. It was a love/hate thing, a morbid fascination. We partied, had fun, laughed. He asked me out and I was happy to receive his interest, but then I told him something about myself... never mind what. What was most interesting was his reaction. I became, instantaneously, a piranha. It still bothers me.  I was hurt about the rejection most of all and in that moment, I decided to cut him out of my life. But I'm actually grateful for that honest reaction because it made me see him clearly. He was no longer the guy I would cheat with because he wasn't worth it. 

The last few months in Tokyo were very lonely for me.  

Time Travelling vol.1 chp 3 Happy Birthday

The first time I introduced Sosuke to the gaijin was on my birthday. It couldn't be avoided as we were going out to celebrate. They got on like a house on fire. I even remember seeing a side of Sosuke I'd never seen before. The thing about the gajin was that they'd been living in Japan for a while so they were near fluent. Even I lost track of the conversation at certain points but to tell you the truth I was kinda glad. The jokes had the undertones of sexist man jokes and I was not in the mood.

I was feeling cheap that night so we ended up finding your run o' the mill Izakaya and settled in. I think I was particularly tense that night, I don't remember whether it was because of the company or money issues or me looking fat in my birthday kit. I just remember wanting to get plastered and being quite successful at it. It was about 3am when he walked in, I saw him and he saw me and I registered him, nothing more. He reminded me of Tadanobu Asano, who was one of very few Japanese guys I reacted to. But, like I said, I registered and moved on.

It wasn't till after I'd finished my umeshu and soda that I realised he'd been watching. They guys were busy talking/chatting up some girl and I was getting bored of watching them on the prowl, especially him. My drunken bravado reared its ugly fat head and I went for it.  His name was Seiichirou, reminded me of Angel Densetsu. He smiled, he knew nothing about it. A Japanese guy who knew nothing about Norihiro Yagi was not worth talking to; I wasn't an otaku but I had me favourites, and he was one of them. I was about to get up and leave when he told me I looked pretty. I stopped. I remembered in London I'd received attention, but from losers and people I generally would never, ever find attractive, like 50 year old men. But this was the first time I'd felt like the aim wasn't to have sex with me. He seemed genuine. And in that instant the alcohol wore off and I saw him, clear as daylight.

We spoke some more and exchanged numbers, when the guys hollered something about leaving. I gave him a kiss. He was surprised, I was surprised. Maybe the alcohol hadn't worn off.

Time Travelling vol.1 chp 2 My Valentine

Sometimes when I time travel, I go back to the most uncertain times in my life. Whether that happens to be me being uncertain about getting work or me being uncertain about love is up to chance.

In the first couple of months I spent in Tokyo, I met a lot of gaijin and even though it was never in the plans, I spent time with them and got to know them. More than that, I was happy to know them. They provided relief in the, oh so nihongo world. I'd never thought about what the absence would do to me. Of those gaijin, I liked, not loved, one. And for the first time in my life I didn't mind the idea of being that other woman because I was certain that his gaijin-nihongo relationship was nothing but a fling. In my head she was a lovely girl; pretty and funny and friendly, but a fling nonetheless. So the notion of infidelity never seemed like something to question. But there was also an oddness about my feelings for him, in that, I never really felt jealous or hurt. I never felt pain at the sight of their embracing. It could have been a one-night stand never to be spoken of again, it could've been an affair. I didn't mind either way. All I knew was that I had a deep longing.

The problem with the me back then and the only thing that gave me pause was that I would, could never expose myself in that way. The idea of saying 'I like you, I want to have sex with you' was so unbelievably dangerous and raw and damaging. My fear of rejection was so great that I'd never let that thought stray any further than my mind and when I felt lonely or I saw him on a drunken night, that thought would creep, slowly at first and then with more and more vigour; fighting against my defenses but never winning because the greatest barrier I had was my fear. My crippling fear. He never knew how I felt.  He left Japan that year.

I was filled with ambivalence about that thought, and I still don't really know why. Was it because I only liked him so much or was it because I was cut off? Had I isolated myself without knowing and would I be like that forever.

It wasn't till later that I realised...

Time Travelling vol.1 chp 1

In the months before I left, I didn't think too much. I tried not to think about the fact that I wouldn't be living in my house anymore, I wouldn't see my family anymore, I wouldn't my friends anymore, hell... I wouldn't see England anymore. I was moving on and taking the big leap. If I thought about it too much I would worry and fret over the fact that I'd be by myself in a foreign country with only my un-streetwise ass to rely on. Oh I was scared alright, I was scared shitless. But no one needed to know that; if they did, I'd be talked out of it.