Time Travelling vol.1 chp 2 My Valentine

Sometimes when I time travel, I go back to the most uncertain times in my life. Whether that happens to be me being uncertain about getting work or me being uncertain about love is up to chance.

In the first couple of months I spent in Tokyo, I met a lot of gaijin and even though it was never in the plans, I spent time with them and got to know them. More than that, I was happy to know them. They provided relief in the, oh so nihongo world. I'd never thought about what the absence would do to me. Of those gaijin, I liked, not loved, one. And for the first time in my life I didn't mind the idea of being that other woman because I was certain that his gaijin-nihongo relationship was nothing but a fling. In my head she was a lovely girl; pretty and funny and friendly, but a fling nonetheless. So the notion of infidelity never seemed like something to question. But there was also an oddness about my feelings for him, in that, I never really felt jealous or hurt. I never felt pain at the sight of their embracing. It could have been a one-night stand never to be spoken of again, it could've been an affair. I didn't mind either way. All I knew was that I had a deep longing.

The problem with the me back then and the only thing that gave me pause was that I would, could never expose myself in that way. The idea of saying 'I like you, I want to have sex with you' was so unbelievably dangerous and raw and damaging. My fear of rejection was so great that I'd never let that thought stray any further than my mind and when I felt lonely or I saw him on a drunken night, that thought would creep, slowly at first and then with more and more vigour; fighting against my defenses but never winning because the greatest barrier I had was my fear. My crippling fear. He never knew how I felt.  He left Japan that year.

I was filled with ambivalence about that thought, and I still don't really know why. Was it because I only liked him so much or was it because I was cut off? Had I isolated myself without knowing and would I be like that forever.

It wasn't till later that I realised...

Second time lucky

I never looked up at the sky in London because, nine times out of ten, I was guaranteed a grey sky. Here, in Japan, even on the shit days there's a blue sky. I love that.

A couple of nights ago I went to an international comedy night in Shibuya. I had attempted and failed this very task the previous month when I was very new to Tokyo and didn't see the point in even attempting to read maps. I just followed. This time I was successful and in only to 3 mins. The night was quite interesting, in that the funniest comedian was actually a Japanese guy. Everyone loved him, even the uber obnoxious Brits; 50 something year old way past their prime, beer bellies and overbearing voices. Unattractive would be an understatement.

The was also a really cool Indian Woody Allen who highlighted the an (red bean paste) phenomenon. Funnily enough the very next day everywhere I looked there was an and for the first time in Japan I wanted something else.

Japanese Valentine's Day

So it was Valentine's day here in Japan a few days ago and I had the pleasure of hosting the weekly party at the hostel...sigh. Not my thing. I can cook but I don't like the pressure. To tell yah the truth I don't know how to cook for more than one... ME. And here I am being thrown in the deep end. I made it through the night with spag bol and crepes. I force fed my male friends, and then in turn, I was force fed crepes.

I'm going on a diet!

January

To sum up my first month in Japan would take more effort and patience than I have right now, so I'll give a brief overview. I got a job. I got my alien registration card. I got malnourished.
Maybe that was a bit too brief.

I got a job; in Kawaguchi with children. It's great cos I don't have to set up anything. They've got a clear curriculum. I just show up and sing & dance (learning the songs are a bitch though). Co-workers are great too.

I got my alien registration card; that's exactly like it says on the tin. I applied and I picked it up around the 31st. I'm legal.

I got malnourished; apparently 7Eleven doesn't have everything you need to help you grow up strong. That combined with not having eaten meat in 3 weeks left me sleeping constantly and anaemic.

Other than the anaemia, Japan's been treating me good, so long!

Things I like about Japan

1. 7 Eleven; open 24hrs a day, who knew!
2. Prawn tenpura bento
3. Nakano station
4. Mandarake in Nakano
5. Green tea (still hate black though)
6. Ramen
7. Udon noodles
8. Being able to walk on the road (freaked me out at first)

The wait is over........

.........and not in that crappy Rihanna way. I finally moved to Japan, Tokyo to be exact. While searching for accommodation I came across a guesthouse in Nakano, just like one of the main characters in Murakami's Kafka. It was a sign, I thought.

So here I am in Nakano and this isn't a sweet, delicious gingery/ lemony hot drink.

More to come hopefully...

That age old resolution

Everyone has a new year's resolution of going on a diet and exercising with the aim of loosing weight. Maybe not everyone but definitely every woman does, I know I did. But my usual procrastinating self got in the way of that. I've decided to get back on the band wagon which involves portion control and some form of exercise. I'm thinking ラジオ体操 (Radio Exercise), it's only 3min and I'm not into hardcore exercise so it perfect, plus the piano music's just delightful. I'm gonna try to keep it up for a month. Wish me luck!

Man Bras

Justin Lee Collins, the greatness from Bristol, is in Japan trying to immerse himself in the culture. It's already way better than Kelly Osbourne's Turning Japanese but that might be because he's funnier. He's looking at some of the biggest crazes in Japan at the moment, which includes a visit to the producers of men's lingerie. Yeah, Japanese men wear lingerie. For me and you that would mean that they were cross-dressers, but for the Japanese it's a stress relief. What happened to drinking, massages, extreme sports, long baths...SEX! I think I read about this on GaijinPot a while ago, but... wow! It's different seeing the live action version.

The story so far

So I've been away for a while. I can't really explain it except to say that I didn't feel like it. I recently sat the JLPT N5, which is a proficiency test for Japanese, it's the most basic level. I'm pretty sure I failed. And I know this because throughout my academic years I've learned that when I think I've failed, I've failed and when I think I've passed, I've passed. I can't guess and I can't wing it. It's a curse. My vocabulary was great, because all I do is Kanji. But that's not the problem when it's only a third of the whole test. I'm not that upset because now I know where I need extra help on in my studies, but it cost me 70 quid to figure that out. 

The Back-up

I had a back-up plan that was pretty air-tight. If I didn't get into the Japanese degree program I would re-do my A'levels just so I met the entry requirements of the course... it was a really solid plan. Nothing goes the way I want it to. I'm thinking about getting a horseshoe, a four-leaf clover, maybe even finding a pot of gold at the end any rainbow. Anything that would give me some luck would be perfect because I feel like the most unlucky person in the world. I can't re-do my A'levels this year because of some moron's bad, bad advice. The thing that bothers me the most is that it's another year I have to spend waiting, I don't want to mature or wait for fate because I don't believe in that shit. I'm mature enough and I'm ready.

Post-August 19th

In My Reality: San was empty because that's exactly what happened. NOTHING. On the night of August 18th I found out that the university wasn't accepting any home/EU students through Clearing, effectively cancelling Clearing 2010. I never got a chance to try...

In My Reality: San

In My Mind: Ni

In my mind this is how I want the conversation on August 19th to go:

Tutor: What were your results?

Me: Three C's.

Tutor: You can't really do any of our courses...

Me: I know, but I got those grades like years ago.

Tutor: I see...

Me: For the past 3 years I been studying Biology at Queen Mary. Last summer I decided to drop out (I'm not sure whether I should add in the fact that I failed) and pursue Japanese full-time. Alongside studying at QM I've been teaching myself Japanese. I feel that I need guidance in my study, short of moving to Japan I don't know how else to best improve my Japanese skills. I really have a genuine passion for any thing Japanese, I want to know anything and everything. I think this uni has the perfect atmosphere to nurture that.

Tutor: Uh huh, uh huh..........Welcome aboard. Give us your clearing number and you can enroll in September.

Me: Woooooooooohoooooooooooooo.

THE END

In My Mind: Ichi

In my mind this is how the conversation on August 19th will go:

Tutor: What were your results?

Me: Three C's.

Tutor: You can't really do any of our courses... (Thanks to this shitty economy and even shittier Coalition Government there aren't any places left in clearing.)

Me: Not even Chinese? (I figure I could get my foot in the door.)

Tutor: NO!!!

ABRUPT END

Pre-August 19th

I'm bloody nervous and it's only August 17th. I have a plan. I have a speech. I'm gonna bombarded them with info about why I'm such a great prospect. I'm not gonna take no for an answer. I'm even thinking about bribing them, but that's for when I'm really desperate. I don't know whether I should write about what August 19th means to me because I don't want to jinx it... but I guess it's OK cos I'm not gonna publish it right away.

August 19th is an important day for any 18-ish year olds in England because the A'Level exam results come out. It's a day when you find out what else you're gonna be studying for the next 3-4 years. My results day was filled with tears because I got three C's, what a waste of tears: a) three C's aren't that bad; especially since I hardly studied for them, b) I would've been failing Biomedical Sciences at King's instead of Biology at Queen Mary. You can see that science was not in my future but I was trying to force the subject. At that spectacularly crap Catholic school I was always good at Art but I didn't pursue it. I didn't think that it was a 'serious' person's subject, so I did Biology and Chemistry... that's what 'serious' people do - you can see how green I was. I couldn't see a future in Art because I never felt like I was particularly good at it, I wasn't particularly good at the Sciences either but I thought I could get better. Why didn't I think I could get better at Art? I was short-sited (I really am short-sited if you saw my pics, hihi) and immature, but that's what you expect of a kid. I wish I'd had more guidance.

City of Westminster College is my back-up plan. I'm one of those people who didn't particularly like school. I'm also one of those people who give little effort or emotion to things that don't interest them. I don't want to go back to that college setting to do Biology, Psychology and Sociology just to get the A'level entry grades for BA Japanese. I might need to, though. Why would I want to go to university? University's a whole other kettle of fish, in my opinion. Queen Mary wasn't even that bad, I just hated Biology. I think studying something I love at a great uni would bring out the best in me. I mean, seriously...I'm a Ghanaian studying Japanese by myself. If I didn't have a passion for it I would have giving up when I started trying to memorise Kanji.

So here I am, wishing that I was Irish or a Leprechaun, praying that someone really fucks up their exams and I get their spot - I kinda feel guilty for that, though. Phone lines open at 9am, so I'll start ringing at 8:58. Fingers crossed, wish me luck. ^_^

Look! It has Wiiiinnnggggssss

Do you like them, do you? Don't worry if you don't cos I do. Flaunt anything with a Japanese style heel or pleats (preferably not together) and I'm sold. I go crazy for these VW + Melissa Plastic Dreams Rocking Horse shoes, but alas I'm poor. Feel free to buy them for me in any colour, I really don't mind. I'm a European Size 5 (I'm a 5 and a half really, but no one sells that). ^_^ ............. .....and this.

Side Story: Boxing Day

It was Boxing Day, the day after Christmas Day which makes it the 26th. I woke up around 10 am then spent the next 10 minutes trying to regain consciousness. I have freaky low blood pressure so I tend to have blackouts and sleep a lot (at least that's the excuse I'm using for that one). I trudged down the stairs with my heavy ass Toshiba, soon to be Apple, laptop. My older sister was getting ready for an outing I still haven't asked her about. My other sister and mum were gloating about a successful attempt at the "world famous" Banana cake. I sat down and plugged the energy-sucker (my laptop) in. Apparently, it can't go an hour and a half without charging. I stared as the energy-sucker slowly, very slowly reanimated. Then it hit me, it was so tremendous, so powerful, like a flood washing all over me. The New Year was imminent and I was waiting to go to school not waiting to go to Japan. I had set my life back a year. A year in exile. I felt helpless, like I was gasping for air in that flood. I couldn't breathe. My eyes started to well up, and I felt embarrassed most of all. I didn't want to show that emotion to the rest of my family. I didn't want anyone to see me like that.

I'm used to sorting those things out on my own. And that's exactly what I did. I locked myself in my room, cried a bit but slept mostly for the rest of the day.

I'm a bit better now. It's the 27th. I think I'll be okay, eventually.

Dawn Porter, Geisha Girl!

I watched a documentary a while ago on Channel 4 about the search for love, normally I'm not into flighty stuff but it's first stop was none other than Japan - Kyoto to be exact - which is nowadays the only way to peak my interests. Dawn Porter the narrator wanted to experience the life of a modern day geisha, I think we got on the wrong foot when she revealed that her understanding of a geisha was akin to the high class prostitutes of the west. At first I thought 'how rude' then I thought 'what a fucking idiot'. I thought it was good practice to research a subject before you spoke about it. Maybe she wanted to view it with fresh eyes, but that still didn't mean she could approach the topic with such a negative impression. Granted, her position did change, eventually, but it very much irritated me. Maybe it's because I recently re-read Arthur Golden's Memoir's of a Geisha, that I felt so outraged by her assumptions.

After arriving at the Kyoto okiya to meet Mother and the other maiko and geisha living in the house, Dawn was set to work. First she had to learn the correct sitting position of a geisha; sitting on her shins gracefully (which is the key word here) making sure that the kimono is not ruffled in any way, making sure it looks smooth and beautiful, making sure it's effortless. This doesn't seem that hard on paper so I could understand why Dawn was taken aback by the pain. After getting used to sitting, she had to learn how to stand gracefully, effortlessly etc. Maybe it's too simplistic to say effortlessly, it actually involves a lot of muscle control due to the fact that you have to put all of your body weight on one leg while maintaining your balance to ensure that you glide up instead of wobble up. Not to mention having to not do the thing that comes most naturally to you when you're in that position, 'DON'T STICK OUT YOUR BUTT'. Dawn received many smacks on the arse, it was a steep learning curve. The hardest thing about this initially for a western girl who is used to showing what she feels, when she feels is maintaining a perfect, pleasant mask. As if the squats, from sitting down and standing up, hasn't left her with seemingly permanent pain whenever in a crouched position - if you can't tell, by the way, I hate squats. She did a days worth of work which completely wore her out, I can sympathise because I'm unbelievably weak and not afraid to admit it.

Later on that day Dawn got to chat with a fellow (using the word loosely) geisha. She wasn't just curious, or at least that's not the impression I got. I could happily accept genuine curiosity. She seemed like she was trying to get the girls to say that 'yes' their lives were hard, 'yes' it's not always the happiest place to be and 'yes' this wasn't really what they wanted of their lives. Well, 'NO' Dawn, sometimes women make unusual choices and it's not your job to show them the supposed error of their ways.

The next day Dawn was allowed to dress in full maiko regalia, a $100,000 kimono, white make-up, red lips and the hair. It was wonderfully grand, wonderfully dramatic and wonderfully heavy. Maybe that's not so wonderful. Upon seeing her reflection in the mirror Dawn was displeased, not because the clothes weren't to her liking but because of the discomfort resulting from the kimono. All the padding around her waste to prevent the kimono from riding up restricted her breathing and hid her waist line. The make-up didn't look as good on her, I somewhat agreed with her on that point. Her lips were painted white except for the very centre of her lips which were painted a vibrant red to give the illusion of a much smaller - in length - plumper lip than her own. On her eyelids was the same vibrant red, following her eyelids. It seemed that red was very much the theme because there was yet more red on her eyebrows. I think on a more delicate looking western girl it would have looked just as good as it did on the Japanese girls. When they finally changed her name she was ready to be presented to the world, Dawn was now Kikutari. All this time Dawn felt that little by little everything that made her Dawn Porter was being stripped away to be lost forever. Yes, she was that dramatic, I think she lost perspective. The more I watched, the more ridiculous I thought she was, you're doing a job for Channel 4, from which you're getting paid a hefty sum to go talk to a few Japanese people. It's only temporary.

I fully admit that I'm a bit biased. OK. A LOT biased. But, I would've felt the same about anywhere Dawn Porter went, I think my issue is mainly with her method of journalism. I think with cultural differences it's imperative to observe and discuss without bringing your culture into it.

I'm back....................

..........and I'm sure all three of you who read my blog are happy about that. I've had a life altering summer mainly due to the fact that I failed my exams; I'll have to sit out a year as a result. I'm not gonna postpone my trip, for me its not an option.

In the mean time, I have a year a spare on my list of 'what to do's': to prevent my brain from rotting any further I'm gonna get a job; any job for that matter, in this current economy everyone's a beggar and can't be a chooser. I also have to do some internships to bulk up my CV, which is seriously barren of any work experience.

On a positive note Stan was surprisingly nice about the situation, he asked which one of us was sitting out a year of school and then said he was more than happy for me to continue with my project. I suspect he was pleased with the fact that I actually wanted to finish of my work but, he's pretty hard to read. Eleanor and I noticed that the only person he was ever really happy to see was one of his Phd students. Comparing the two men I can see many similarities: they're both tall, both lean, wiry men and both have cherub-like curls. Which brings me to my main point, I recently cut my hair (courtesy of my sister) because the afro roots of my hair couldn't cohabit with the straight relaxed ends. In my attempts to render my new hairstyle as acceptable I ended up with some-what cherub like hair. I think Stanewsky greatly appreciated this as I reminded him of his favourite student.

Unfortunately, my supervisor is leaving in about 2 weeks, we'll be very sad to see her go. This is gonna be a short post but it's nice to be writing again.

SayJapanese goes Loco

I took a personality test on Facebook a while back, which told me what I already knew...I'm very, very agreeable. The problem I find with the agreeable label is that people think that your a meek or dull because of it (at least that's my impression), and that is something I am not. I think I scored so highly on agreeableness because I view it as bad manners and often offensive to scoff or disagree with another's cultural point of view. This is limited however to new people, people whose boundaries have yet to be tested. I'm not one of those extroverted people who tells anybody and everybody about my whole life story over a cup of tea/coffee (I hate both so you would probably be doing the drinking). But I'm mostly okay with that, I think it's one facet of my personality but not something you could pin me down as.

Recently I started reading the works of another blogger by the name of LOCO (not his real name apparently but I like it), a New Yorker; I had previously been particularly loyal to Wandering in Miyazaki (another New Yorker) who's situation was similar to what mine would be in Japan and had a killa 'fro I could only aspire to. He's pretty interesting, having lived in Japan for about 6 years and being a man, he gives me a completely different and sometimes not so nice perspective. His actions are interpreted with acute eyes, he is far more aggressive and 'dangerous' when he walks, when he talks, when he gestures emphatically all because he represents the unknown to a very homogeneous, insular population. Loco often gets the 'I'm scared shitless of you' stares (on public transport), which I would guess gets very boring very fast. I think it's mostly to do with the fact that he's a man, in general humans are more afraid of the unknown man than the unknown woman. How dangerous can a 5'3'' girl be compared to a 6' plus, broad shouldered man.........I'll have you know that within my armoury are some very sharp teeth, which could cause unspeakable damage.

I assume that anyone who lives or has lived in New York is very ballsy and not one to mince words, so the contrasting environment in Japan makes for a sometimes explosive meeting in LocoWorld. My suspicion, no, my belief is that New Yorkers and the Japanese are like chalk and cheese; one practices Honne and Tatamae while the other says what they think or feel in whatever situation; no New Yorker worries about how a sudden efflux of emotions would affect others. I'm not saying New Yorkers are impetuous, capricious loud-mouths or anything like that, they just don't use the same restraint over their emotions that the Japanese do, like most people in the western world. Mainly, because in their culture it's perfectly normal to express their distaste, joy, apathy, glee over life in general.

My thoughts about Loco......he's an articulate, smart, middle-aged man with a quick wit and a general love a ladies, ladies, ladies. I highly recommend. As I read through Loco's posts I realised that though I could sympathise with his trials I could not, at this point in time, empathise; it is because of that that I can say his reactions are the polar opposites of mine. I have this ability to be completely fine with whatever another person's perception is because I can accept that is just the way it is. I don't attempt to understand why, often because I feel it would be disrespectful to them to question. Having said that I do realise that you can genuinely ask questions and debate out of curiosity and not the desire to prove someone else's practices wrong. I think I come across as uncaring, don't get me wrong there are times when I couldn't careless but that is restricted snobs - I've met a lot of them. I don't think Loco is wrong for the way he handles some situations because everyone has their limits. It just made me realise that not every Gaijin in Japan instantaneously embarks on a love affair with it, most have a love/hate relationship. My only hesitation is that my agreeableness doesn't render me Japan's doormat lover, who nods accordingly and loses the ability to have independent thought.

I want Japan to be my means of metamorphosis, I don't need to be a butterfly.....I'm happy being a moth as long as I'm better than I was before. As long as I have grown.

Any comments are welcomed........