Sometimes when I time travel, I go back to the most uncertain times in my life. Whether that happens to be me being uncertain about getting work or me being uncertain about love is up to chance.
In the first couple of months I spent in Tokyo, I met a lot of
gaijin and even though it was never in the plans, I spent time with them and got to know them. More than that, I was happy to know them. They provided relief in the, oh so
nihongo world. I'd never thought about what the absence would do to me. Of those
gaijin,
I liked, not loved, one. And for the first time in my life I didn't mind the idea of being that other woman because I was certain that his
gaijin-nihongo relationship was nothing but a fling. In my head she was a lovely girl; pretty and funny and friendly, but a fling nonetheless. So the notion of infidelity never seemed like something to question. But there was also an oddness about my feelings for him, in that, I never really felt jealous or hurt. I never felt pain at the sight of their embracing. It could have been a one-night stand never to be spoken of again, it could've been an affair. I didn't mind either way. All I knew was that I had a deep longing.
The problem with the me back then and the only thing that gave me pause was that I would, could never expose myself in that way. The idea of saying 'I like you, I want to have sex with you' was so unbelievably dangerous and raw and damaging. My fear of rejection was so great that I'd never let
that thought stray any further than my mind and when I felt lonely or I saw him on a drunken night,
that thought would creep, slowly at first and then with more and more vigour; fighting against my defenses but never winning because the greatest barrier I had was my fear. My crippling fear. He never knew how I felt. He left Japan that year.
I was filled with ambivalence about that thought, and I still don't really know why. Was it because I only liked him so much or was it because I was cut off? Had I isolated myself without knowing and would I be like that forever.
It wasn't till later that I realised...
